Johnny and June

This just may be the best photo ever.

Fuck You!

Today I am in the middle of a conversation. It seemed important, I listened, I heard, I gave my opinion. And, I was told that what I had to say was not important, not going to be considered because I was too easy to put down. My face dropped, tears welled, whoa, it felt like a gun shot. So I calmly said, why don't you try that again. I was flatly told that they felt pinned against the wall by me and that they were being set up. Again, and even a more deliberate calm question, why don't you try that again. Nothing...

My heart pounded, my stomach hurt, I no longer had spit in my mouth.

"What you have to say is not important and so easy to put down"...I have no words for what an insult that really is. No apologies came, no clarification, nothing, just storming off, yelling you pushed my buttons.

Well you know what, FUCK YOU!

Crap!

Okay so here is the latest update - they found a mass on my other breast. Yep, you heard me the OTHER breast. The good news is the mass they found is benign. But the surgeon and the pathologist strongly recommend that I need to have another lumpectomy because they need to make sure there is no cancer forming in the mass. In other words they want to make sure there is no insitu.

I am grateful, not scared any more. But another surgery...ah, man. No one should have to have two lumpectomies in one year...right?

Another Cancer Aha...

I am not over mourning the loss of a huge chunk of my breast. I have always said my breasts were perfect - they were, or they are. God I can't even write it.

I have been thinking about why I am not losing any weight (yes I am exercising and yes I eat half of what I used to) and I have come up with that I am having a physical crisis of the spirit. I have lost part of me, and maybe that part of me that doesn't know better is hanging on to the me that I want to lose.

More later...I need to go to bed and attempt to sleep.

Mammogram

My mammogam is tomorrow morning. The first since surgery - the last one I had was awful, I had all of these 5 inch needles sticking out my breast. I am anxious, nervous and dare I say a little scared.

The best gifts ever...

I have a friend Andrea who gives me the best gifts ever. Andrea, is a poet, an artist, a musician, a singer, and a muse. Honestly, she is a long time tribe member and I swear she is a goddess.

One day many years ago, Andrea and her mom, Alexis stop by for a visit with a box for me. It seems they had just been to an antique fair and found this entire box of vintage lace with bits and bobs of beaded pieces. All estimated be be from the early 1900s. I cherish this gift to this day. I keep promising myself that I will use the lace - but I cannot seem to separate the lace from one another.

Another time, Andrea and her mom came to visit me after the birth of my daughter Allegra. They came with this small pair of velvet beaded boots that they made themselves. Can you imagine - they were the most precious things ever. I will pass them on to Allegra's children so they can pass them on to my grand children.

But wait there is more - Andrea has come all the way from Jenner just to sit and sing to me - she is the best gift giver ever.

In the past 10 years we have sent one another care packages - loaded with goodies from Italian cherries to crimson red candles, and all sorts of wonderful baubles and trinkets. The biggest joy I have is putting one of my packages together for her because I know it will make her happy - every bit no matter how large or small is individually wrapped with beautiful paper and ribbons. Happiness in a box!

Andrea is definitely one of the most generous people I know, not just for her gifts, but for her never ending open door, open mindedness, open arms, strong shoulders to cry on, and contagious laugh. That she will dance with me at a drop of a hat, and that she will sing to me any time of the day or night. I love her for her ability to love life and others, and I am overjoyed when she is in love with someone and has once or twice come into my office and swooned onto the floor (freaking out my assistant). I cherish Andrea because she looks at life the way you are supposed to - with the wide eyed wonder and the joy that emanates from deep in one's heart.

Sanctuary...

Where do you go when you need to breathe?