So, it has been a while.

I just realized that it has been since forever since I have posted on this blog. So much has been going on so I am going to just jump back in.  Last Summer my sweet Dad passed away.  He was having problems breathing and his doctor had diagnosed him with chronic bronchitis, then COPD, then they found it. Stage 4 advanced lung cancer.  Oh god, there we go - the C word again.  We were told we could have up to 6 months with him. Oh god, 6 months. I would have to drive him to the ocean and Big Sur. He would have to hear the sound of his beloved Pacific ocean one more time, he would have to hug a redwood tree just one more time.  He would have to eat Dim Sum here in San Francisco, just one more time.  So many lasts that I wanted him to experience. I wanted him to say goodbye to the ocean, the trees and so on. More time to talk to him. To ask him about his history. To say goodbye. For him to say goodbye. But instead he had other plans.  My dad passed in a few weeks.  My family was stunned.  I believe we were shocked because it never occurred to us that he was already in this 80s.  He acted like a much younger man. His humor, his appetite for life and food.  His love of a shot of tequila, "Una tequilita mas". His incredible humor, and that twinkle in his eye. Oh god, that twinkle in his eye and his voice are what I miss.

I make an effort to give my brother Victor extra long hugs because my hugging Victor feels like hugging my dad.  Maybe it is the height, maybe it is body type, maybe it is how he smells - but hugging my brother feels so comforting and familiar.

After my dad died I started to worry.  My mother was devastated but coping. My siblings were in such pain. But me, there was nothing. Okay, yeah, a few tears but not devastated.  I often wondered if maybe my grieving was broken some how.  It is not that I didn't love him - I did, fiercely.  It is not that I don't miss him - I do, so very very much.  Maybe I mourn differently.  Maybe something is broken. Or worse, maybe one day in the future it will hit me and debilitate me so deeply that I will not be able to function.  I simply do not know.

So on Facebook I started writing - my truths because I needed to know what I knew.  This writing I called - These Things I know For Sure.  I will share them with you as we move along from this day forward.  You can tell me what your truths are too.

Here is picture of my dad.