These things I know for sure - May 21, 2015

These things I know for sure - the "I am happy today" edition

-I am happy because I had so much fun last night and I realized that I don't do that nearly as much as I should. Thank you Joelle Porter.
-I am happy because one of my dearest friends, really a sister from another mother, found out yesterday she does not have cancer.  ‪#‎grateful‬ Michelle
-My kid is on her school trip and having so much fun.
-I can start to drive short distances. ‪#‎7weeksfromBreaktoHealing‬‪#‎ohHellaYeah‬
-I expect that I will hug a tree this weekend and hear the ocean.
-My ortho said that I will be able to support my body weight in downward dog in a month or so, and that it is okay to try now.  ‪#‎movemybody‬
-I am going to dance in my living room today until I am soaked from head to toe. ‪#‎bestexcercise‬
-I am so profoundly grateful.

These things I know for sure - May 13, 2015

These things I know for sure - 

-Healthy and vibrant is always better.
-When I fell, others held me up.
-Tell those you love and care for, that you LOVE them everyday, all the time. Because life really can be so short.  ‪#‎RIPGianCarlo‬ ‪#‎RIPLiz‬
-I miss driving.
-I miss my carpool kids.
-I really miss my dad.
-That we should all have our emergency kits updated, right now. ‪#‎AltasIsShrugging‬ ‪#‎ringofFire‬
-The next few days will reveal the next few years.
-I really dig the people that dress in period clothing and their events.
-Nothing heals like sleeping.
-I am strong.
-I desperately need a vacation.
-I am no longer certain that I know what I thought I knew.
-I am blessed that my friends are my friends - I am truly blessed by the company I keep.
-Same thing with my family.
-In about a year my wrist will be able to withstand my body weight and I can then do Downward Dog. ‪#‎YES‬

These things I know for sure - March 9, 2015

These things I know for sure - 

-Larry David terrifies me - the idea of a old winey man that complains and acts like a baby makes me shudder.
-Magic is afoot.
-Cookies have no place in my home.
-If you meditate daily your body starts to crave it.
-It remains a mystery to me why people cannot just say "I was wrong".
-I love teens that are engaged and interact with adults.
-There is nothing in this world that compares to the type of laughter that doubles you over and makes you cry. Michelle Andra, Susan
-Napping is the best thing ever.
-I love to cook, but only when I don't have to. ‪#‎loveCookingForFriends‬
-There is something pretty wonderful about the smell of grapefruit essential oil.
-I am actually looking forward to seasoning my new wok. ‪#‎IfoundTaylorAndNg‬
-My green smoothies are the stuff of legend.
-I would seriously consider moving to Paris or Japan, but most jobs require you to speak the language. ‪#‎sigh‬
-I still do not know my purpose in life. ‪#‎JustkeepswimingJustkeepswimming‬
-I wish my mom lived across the street.
-I love the wee hours of the night, when it is still and calm and I can be alone with my thoughts. ‪#‎Vampire‬
-Surviving a crisis of spirit makes you stronger.
-I miss my old friend Sam Contreras. ‪#‎whereAreYou‬
-In an argument, once someone resorts to name calling, they lost.
-I need to hug a redwood tree!
-I sometimes forget that I am no longer 22 years old.

These things I know for sure - January 26, 2015

These things I know for sure -

I wish I were in Hawaii. Right now. If I close my eyes I can smell the warm waters of the Pacific mixed with plumeria.
Purging half of my wardrobe is freeing. (No, I am not going to go shopping, don't believe everything you are told.)
I am having moments of such clarity and hope.  ‪#‎HelloOldFriends‬
I am in need of my own garden. ‪#‎IwantToGrowMyOwnTomatoes‬
I am in need of a hike.
I am in need of an 80s night of dancing - new wave not Tears for Fears (I really dislike T4F).
I miss my Grattan girlfriends - Hallie, Michelle, Dara, Tia, Christina, Kaori, Mary, Alisa, et all - see above for dancing.
I am tired of witnessing the disparity between the "have nots" and the "extreme haves". 
That when one door closes, the universe has other plans. Those plans are usually better.
I really wish I had a housekeeper.
I am really happy my sister is in the city. Love the impromptu visits. ‪#‎likeoldtimes‬
In the past few months traffic in SF has doubled.
I am really craving pineapple juice - gallons of it.
Mortality and aging - I am not quite sure how to process either.
Seeing homeless old people begging breaks my heart and terrifies me.
I really do want all of my people to be happy. ‪#‎pollyanna‬

These things I know for sure - December 30, 2014

These things I know for sure - 

-2014 was a really rough year, but also a year of such enlightenment.
-Your friends always understand and if they don't, they still sit with you and hold your hand.
-I miss my dad and at times lose my breath over the fact that he is not a phone call away. I miss his smiling twinkling eyes.
-The removal of stress does make you healthier.

This year I promise myself that - 
I will work hard in launching a project that I have been holding in my heart.
I will find meaningful work in the mean time.
I will save some money so that I am not afraid.
I will be grateful everyday.
I will be a good mom.
I will laugh, smile and say hello to strangers just like I used to.
I will find my sassy free spirited self again.
I will invite my friends over.
I will exercise and dance because it is fun and not because I want to reclaim some old vision of my physical self.
I will accept that I am getting older, but I can still hold the girl spirit that lives within me.
I will floss everyday. 
I will wear red lipstick.
I will once again shed useless guilt, I have before and then I forgot.
I will hike this year, no f$%king knee will keep me from the hills - Michael, you with me?
I will work to simplify my life.
I will work to get out of debt - real and emotional.
I will say no.
I will get body work at least once a month - thank goodness for the SF massage school.
I will meditate.
I will forgive myself. 

Happy New Year dear ones. Sending love and light to each and every one of you.

These things I know for sure - November 27, 2014

These things I know for sure - I am Thankful/Grateful for...

My family
My friends
My beautiful home - because while it is a minuscule apartment it is a jewel box of a home.
My Lucy kitty
My dear neighbors
That I live in San Francisco
That an ocean is 15 minutes away and, of the walk on the beach that I will take later today.
That I had my dad for 54 years - I was blessed.
The pumpkin pie Allegra is attempting from scratch (yep, from an actual pumpkin)
For the adventures and experiences that have come into and that I continue to create in my life.
To my knee for hanging in there.
That I am making most of my holiday gifts because consumerism is not filling my soul. And if I do buy anything it will be books and items created by craftspeople/artisans.

I wish you all a very lovely Thanksgiving. Let me know what you are Thankful for.

These things I know for sure - November 12, 2014

These things I know for sure - 

We landed a rocket on a comet! As far as I am concerned that might just be the coolest thing I have heard about in a very, very long time.
I am blessed by the company I keep. Elizabeth Jellousheg Heaney Michael J Perona
I am not sure if it is the story or just the heart wrenchingly beautiful music and singing that makes me sob like a baby. ‪#‎opera‬ ‪#‎laBoheme‬
I am a very, very, very proud Mama! ‪#‎Allegra‬ ‪#‎BravissimaNina‬
I count my blessings everyday for the wonderful girls that have become part of my family. ‪#‎LoveAllegrasFriends‬ ‪#‎chorusMates‬
I have so many ideas.
I am not afraid.
I have hope.
I believe in myself.
I love my friends.

These things I know for sure - September 18, 2014

These things I know for sure - 

I really dislike hot balmy weather, unless of course it is a tropical island and I have a fancy drink in my hand. ‪#‎godhelpmeANDmyhair‬
Sometimes you just have to go back to square one in order to start making the big strides.
Sometimes it is best to hold my tongue.
Maybe I need a change of scenery.
The ocean calms everything.
I am grateful to the moms who help drive my kid.
Everyday for the past two weeks I have craved the soft serve chocolate ice cream from Eatwell.  ‪#‎obsessed‬
I am praying that the sweet little town of Pahoa on the Big Island is spared.
I am deeply disturbed that our government cannot agree on anything but war. ‪#‎sosad‬ ‪#‎whataboutpeace‬ ‪#‎prayingforpeace‬ ‪#‎isthereanotherway‬
I really need to hug a redwood tree.
I am secretly dreading the high school search.
I miss my dad...

These things I know for sure - August 22, 2014

These things I know for sure - 

Like begets like.
I am so thankful for my mom, my sister and my brother.
I am not afraid.
I need a new hair cut.
Nothing feels as good as catching up. ‪#‎paperwork‬ ‪#‎officemess‬
There is nothing like icy cold sweet watermelon.
Pre-code movies are so much better than the over produced films of today.
Even though I have not spent time this summer with my sisters Michelle DaraHallie, they know. They just know...
When I get old I am going to be a wild wizened old woman and I am going to just love it.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing like lying under my favorite tree at Iris' and watching the clouds roll by. Well, unless my sis is keeping me company, then it is perfect.
Hearing Lucy snore makes me want to take a nap. ‪#‎HereKittyKitty‬
Perhaps a repeat, but I really do wear my heart on my sleeve. ‪#‎unapologetic‬‪#‎IloveLove‬
Asilomar beach keeps calling me back.
There is a cup of hot chocolate somewhere in my near future.
Craving the scent of Hawai'i - it immediately puts my body at ease.

These things I know for sure - August 6, 2014

These things I know for sure -

Falling asleep with the sound of waves crashing on the beach might just be my most favorite thing ever.
My inlaws are funny after a few glasses of wine. ❤
Watching my daughter sleep still makes my heart skip a beat.
Putting your pet down is the hardest thing ever. ‪#‎prayersformyfriendJoAnn‬
You never know when it will be the last ____. So take a moment to savor it.

These things I know for sure - August 1, 2014

These things I know for sure - 

If I meditate, do yoga and floss everyday, I will be on my way to vibrant health or at the very least a good night of sleep.
People will pay me well for my advice.
Doing things from excitement renders better results than doing things from desperation.
The universe is abundant. I just have to remember how to tap back in.
The scent of burning sage calms me down.
I am so excited to welcome my girl home from chorus camp today.
That in a few short weeks, I will be looking for high schools. May god have mercy on my soul. 
Like begets like.
Sitting around watching the world events unfold, without any action on my part, means that I support them.
I am craving a big juicy steak dripping in herb butter. Yes, I know this for sure.
God, the divine mother/father, would never ask us to kill in their name. NEVER! EVER!
Birds are wonderful creatures.
Holding my friend Sam calms and fills my soul. ‪#‎sambaker‬ ‪#‎sweetbaby‬Stacey
I am blessed by the company I keep, even if I haven't seen you in ages.
My body is craving warm tropical breezes on soft white sandy beaches and the smell of tropical flowers.
These things I know for sure...

These Things I Know For Sure - July 25, 2014

These things I know for sure - 

I love the times when I am alone in my apartment - it is so wonderfully silent.
When I feel stressed movement helps. ‪#‎asanas‬
I honestly cannot figure out what creative project I will work on this week - this coming week is a staycation get your life together week.
My neighbor is getting married tomorrow and I am about to embark on a sidewalk chalk fest that will make them so happy.  ‪#‎sidewalkART‬‪#‎covertOperation‬
My cat thinks I am her mom, really she does.
I want to dance, but it has been so long I feel that I may have forgotten.
I am not hungry these days.
I don't know how to bring peace to the world.
I wish my niece was home so we can hang out by the pool and look through magazines. ‪#‎missingAlexa‬
I am about to take a pair of scissors to my hair. ‪#‎uhoh‬ ‪#‎punkrockroots‬
I get by with a little help from my friends.
Laying on the grass, watching the clouds roll by with my sister was the best medicine today.
My friend Luis, lifted my spirits today.
Today I was asked to chair a committee and I agreed to do it. ‪#‎sharpeningMYskills‬
I am grateful...I am scared...I am hopeful...but mostly, I am grateful.

These Things I Know For Sure - July 1, 2014

These things I know for sure:

If you move though darkness you always end up at the light.
Life is just a series of choices.
Alexa and Cole are coming over for dinner tonight. (see light mentioned first)
My dear Jo-Ann and her family are moving to SF for a month. (see light again)
My friends and family all know that I love them. (see light again)
In a few minutes I get to have a big cup of English tea courtesy of Annie and Simon.

So, it has been a while.

I just realized that it has been since forever since I have posted on this blog. So much has been going on so I am going to just jump back in.  Last Summer my sweet Dad passed away.  He was having problems breathing and his doctor had diagnosed him with chronic bronchitis, then COPD, then they found it. Stage 4 advanced lung cancer.  Oh god, there we go - the C word again.  We were told we could have up to 6 months with him. Oh god, 6 months. I would have to drive him to the ocean and Big Sur. He would have to hear the sound of his beloved Pacific ocean one more time, he would have to hug a redwood tree just one more time.  He would have to eat Dim Sum here in San Francisco, just one more time.  So many lasts that I wanted him to experience. I wanted him to say goodbye to the ocean, the trees and so on. More time to talk to him. To ask him about his history. To say goodbye. For him to say goodbye. But instead he had other plans.  My dad passed in a few weeks.  My family was stunned.  I believe we were shocked because it never occurred to us that he was already in this 80s.  He acted like a much younger man. His humor, his appetite for life and food.  His love of a shot of tequila, "Una tequilita mas". His incredible humor, and that twinkle in his eye. Oh god, that twinkle in his eye and his voice are what I miss.

I make an effort to give my brother Victor extra long hugs because my hugging Victor feels like hugging my dad.  Maybe it is the height, maybe it is body type, maybe it is how he smells - but hugging my brother feels so comforting and familiar.

After my dad died I started to worry.  My mother was devastated but coping. My siblings were in such pain. But me, there was nothing. Okay, yeah, a few tears but not devastated.  I often wondered if maybe my grieving was broken some how.  It is not that I didn't love him - I did, fiercely.  It is not that I don't miss him - I do, so very very much.  Maybe I mourn differently.  Maybe something is broken. Or worse, maybe one day in the future it will hit me and debilitate me so deeply that I will not be able to function.  I simply do not know.

So on Facebook I started writing - my truths because I needed to know what I knew.  This writing I called - These Things I know For Sure.  I will share them with you as we move along from this day forward.  You can tell me what your truths are too.

Here is picture of my dad.