the wisdom and everything else it takes not to scream at the top of my lungs.
I have a secret and it is not a pretty secret, it is sad and it is maddening but mostly it is just pathetic. I pretend that everything is okay, when everything is not. I smile, act nice, am friendly, have positive things to say, do good acts, work hard at home, all the while things are not okay. Things have not been okay for a really really long time. I don't remember when the last time was that I felt content, when I did not live in what feels like constant stress.
I don't say anything to my friends - but to be frank I really don't want to talk about it. I don't want people to tip their head to the side in concern and feel sorry for me - that pisses me off, I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I also think I am a big girl and I should buck up and just deal with things (of course that is what I always do).
I just gave my friend a pep-talk this morning - but it was meant for me as well. She looked at me like a little kid, she was this huge beautiful tear drop waiting and welling, and she simply said this is not the life she expected. Well she was right about me too, this is NOT the life I expected.
Being diagnosed with cancer was not terrible for me, at least not consciously anyway. But subconsciously, whoa! I started to think, what if this were it and I just had a short amount of time to live. Is this really the life I want, is this the life I would be proud of when I breathe my last breath. I am sorry but no, you heard me NO!
I am a good marketing consultant - but it bores me. It doesn't stop time and space for me - being creative does. Maybe my sisters offer to have a studio to make shoes in her backyard will actually pan out - that would make me happy. Maybe I can live in the city, have a garage, a fireplace, a huge closet and a garden - that would make me happy. Maybe I can dance again - that would certainly make me happy. Maybe I can have intimacy on that profound level, that would make me happy. Maybe one day I can trust relationships once again, that would make me happy. Maybe one day I can just be my kids mom, and not everyone else's (I really hate being everyone else's mom). This isn't a maybe but I will definitely find a way to bring lots more money in - Earning more money and making more money, the freedom from that makes me really happy. I would like a clean house for more than a few hours after the housekeeper leaves - that would make me happy. I would like to have others in my household help me and not feel they are doing me a personal favor by pitching in - that would make me happy. One day someone will look into my eyes and right though my soul and I will be kissed one of those kisses that makes my earrings fly off in different directions - now that will make me really happy.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
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