Flip-Flop, I have a right to change my mind...

Okay so a week ago I posted that I was not happy - but the fact of the matter is that I am.  I just don't like certain situations in my life.  I do not like that since my diagnosis my husband has kept an arms length away from me - that sucks.  I do not like that I have not been out - I am a creature of the night and I have NOT BEEN OUT TO HAVE FUN.  I do not like that I feel like a domestic instead of a professional - must start working again need projects to make me feel whole.  I do not like the feeling that a fat girl ate me, and I do not know how to get out.

My lies are not about being happy, but that I don't like situations that I cannot control.  And frankly I don't want to talk about the things I cannot control - because my dear ones  TALK IS CHEAP.  Complaining about my husband won't change him, talking about not working won't make me have more energy, talking about being overweight will definitely not make my clothes fit better - the stress that comes with these things will not go away if I just talk about them...action will.

Last night I went out and I had such a great time.  It reminded me that I am a happy person inside and out, and that depriving myself of a very active social life is like suicide.  So last night I vowed to organize a monthly outing, that includes dancing.  NOW THAT IS ACTION!  

And, while I can't do anything about about my husband, the world financial crisis, ignorant people, etc.  I will continue to exercise, skip the dairy and avoid the sugar and white processed stuff - and that will make me feel good and therefore remind me of who I am.  And, the closer I get to reclaiming myself from the fat girl that swallowed me, the closer I am to fine.

So dear readers, I am not miserable - although sometimes it feels that way - get me during PMS, and while my 8 year old wants to assert her will, and when my husband is cranky - THEN I AM MISERABLE.  But mostly I am a pretty positive happy person.  And, while it is not the life I was hoping for, it is pretty damn great.

By the way, ya wanna go dancing?

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Please enjoy this incredible Ann Demeulemeester corset that I MUST OWN, if I do not own it I will do my best to copy it.  MINE, YOU WILL BE MINE, MINE, MINE!!

Baby you can drive my car...

but you can't borrow my shoes!

God grant me the serenity...

the wisdom and everything else it takes not to scream at the top of my lungs.

I have a secret and it is not a pretty secret, it is sad and it is maddening but mostly it is just pathetic.  I pretend that everything is okay, when everything is not.  I smile, act nice, am friendly, have positive things to say, do good acts, work hard at home, all the while things are not okay. Things have not been okay for a really really long time.  I don't remember when the last time was that I felt content, when I did not live in what feels like constant stress.  

I don't say anything to my friends - but to be frank I really don't want to talk about it.  I don't want people to tip their head to the side in concern and feel sorry for me - that pisses me off, I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I also think I am a big girl and I should buck up and just deal with things (of course that is what I always do).

I just gave my friend a pep-talk this morning - but it was meant for me as well.  She looked at me like a little kid, she was this huge beautiful tear drop waiting and welling, and she simply said this is not the life she expected.  Well she was right about me too, this is NOT the life I expected.  

Being diagnosed with cancer was not terrible for me, at least not consciously anyway.  But subconsciously, whoa!  I started to think, what if this were it and I just had a short amount of time to live.  Is this really the life I want, is this the life I would be proud of when I breathe my last breath.  I am sorry but no, you heard me NO!  

I am a good marketing consultant - but it bores me.  It doesn't stop time and space for me - being creative does.  Maybe my sisters offer to have a studio to make shoes in her backyard will actually pan out - that would make me happy.  Maybe I can live in the city, have a garage, a fireplace, a huge closet and a garden - that would make me happy.  Maybe I can dance again - that would certainly make me happy.  Maybe I can have intimacy on that profound level, that would make me happy.  Maybe one day I can trust relationships once again, that would make me happy.  Maybe one day I can just be my kids mom, and not everyone else's (I really hate being everyone else's mom).  This isn't a maybe but I will definitely find a way to bring lots more money in - Earning more money and making more money, the freedom from that makes me really happy. I would like a clean house for more than a few hours after the housekeeper leaves - that would make me happy.  I would like to have others in my household help me and not feel they are doing me a personal favor by pitching in - that would make me happy.  One day someone will look into my eyes and right though my soul and  I will be kissed one of those kisses that makes my earrings fly off in different directions - now that will make me really happy. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.